I firmly believe that every person on this earth can choose their own path, regardless of the circumstances surrounding their lives, regardless of the obstacles they face, and regardless of those who would try to keep them down. You are responsible for your own destiny and no one but you can keep you down. In the spirit of this, I'm sharing an original poem that I wrote two years ago, when I was just nineteen. It's all about making your mark and living positively. Don't let anyone hold you back, because everything you do makes an impact, either directly or indirectly. So go out and leave your mark! Represent yourself and your dreams, but don't pretend and don't show the world anything but the true you -- be yourself and you will be remembered!

Jam to the music that rocks your soul.
Dance to the beat of your own drum.
Pass time with those who hold you close.
Enjoy what you are given!

Speak softly your powerful thoughts.
Hang on to the rope with all you've got.
Give up your inner demons and love.
Write your words in stone.

You are the world.
You give life to the people.
You are the inspiration of the universe.
You move mountains with a single glance.

Be proud, but be not boastful.
Be strong, but be not overbearing.
Be lovely, but be not vain.
Be you, but be not falsely lived.

Leave your mark.
You will be remembered.

Help.

Since the age of thirteen, I've suffered with depression. It's taken up eight and a half years of my life. From thirteen to fourteen, I was involved in therapy at our local psychiatric associate and I found it helpful at the time, sure. Unfortunately, I didn't learn, in that therapy, how to really cope with everything I was feeling and I spent the majority of my teenage years depressed and harboring thoughts of suicide. There were countless people, I know now, who would have helped me if only I'd let them see just how badly I needed it or had I only asked.

For me, it's admitting that there is a big problem and I can't handle it on my own. Acknowledging that I'm not strong enough to do it by myself and that I need the help of someone else to show me how to make it through. I'm slowly learning that admitting you need help is not a sign of weakness but of my own inner strength for it takes  a strong person to admit and acknowledge that they need help. As hard as it is to let people in and has much of a leap of faith as it is to trust someone else, it doesn't always end in disaster. A dear friend proved that to me in February of 2008 when she saw just how badly in need of help and understanding I was and when she helped me to make that first step towards admitting it to myself. My mentor proved it again this August when I went to her and asked for her guidance.

Sometimes, even though it's not easy, we just have to close our eyes and take that leap of faith. Most of the time, it's worth it.

Anxious, Hopeful, Content.

Anxious about my upcoming semester and graduation; hopeful that everything will work out for the good as long as I set my mind to do my very best and follow through with that; and content because I am in a very peaceful place today - at peace with myself and at peace with the world around me. Today's a good day. :)

Trust.

And that's a bit ambiguous of an answer as I tend to follow my heart and my instincts about people - I get a very good sense of whether or not I can trust someone with the deeper, more intimate parts of me. However, trust is something very hard for me to give freely.

I have been walked out on by so many people in my life, I have a constant fear at the back of my mind that it's going to happen again. Knowing how much that hurts already, I really do not want to go through it again, so it will take a while for me to truly, truly begin to trust someone, even if they are someone that I talk to about more important matters to me.

I'm learning now, with the help of my mentor, to open up just a little bit more and not blindly assume that everyone is out to betray me or give up on me or walk away as soon as the going gets tough. It helps that the people in my life right now have all proven that they are not just fair-weather friends.

When you truly do trust the people around you to stick by your side when you most need them, the relationships you have take on a deeper, much more fulfilling level -- true friendship, true love.... yeah, it's a pretty good thing.

I was browsing through past QaRs and found this one. The picture I've included with this post is of myself and my grandmother Nannie in 1992; I was five and she was 50 when it was taken.

My Nannie died in 2000 when I was thirteen; I woke that morning and found her in her bed. It was definitely the hardest thing I've ever gone through, to find my grandmother dead at such a young age and to not know how to deal with it. Some weeks after she passed away, she appeared to me in a dream, which I believe was God giving me a chance to see that she truly was okay and to get to feel her with me one last time.

Nannie, in that dream, asked me to keep watch over my younger cousins (aged 11, 9, 8 and 8 at that time). I don't know if that counts as a promise, but it is something I have taken to heart even more since I woke from that dream.  It has proven to be one of the most difficult promises I've ever made, because of circumstances outside of my control and kids wanting to be kids (haha).

But since that day, I have taken special care to always let them know that I am ALWAYS here for them should they need me; I have tried to teach them the right way to behave and be someone they know they can count on no matter what. As they've gotten older, it has been a lot harder and, though I wish I could have, there were things I couldn't protect them from.

There've been times we all, I'm sure, wanted to strangle each other. But I do hope that the four of them know that if there is not another soul in this world they can count on, they can count on me, their cousin Amanda.

Tranquility.

There have been precious few moments in my life when I really, truly feel completely at peace and just tranquil.  I am thankful they are becoming a bit more frequent lately. Having the sense that all is well and just being at peace with everything around me is a fantastic feeling definitely worth celebrating.

Discovering that the keys for tranquility are found deep within myself is a revelation I celebrate, as well.

I don't really "find" the sacred. I see the sacred however God reveals it to me. Sometimes, it's in seeing a beautiful sunset or hearing the birds outside my window. Other times, it's as simple as a waking up in a good mood or seeing someone I love smile.

I believe that anything can be sacred if it reaches out and speaks to the soul. For me, the sacred is seeing my God's blessings all around me and knowing just how much He loves me and seeing the various ways He shows that Love.

Losing my grandmother.

Around noon on September 4, 2000, at the age of thirteen, I woke up to find my Nannie dead in her bed. Although it is the root of my depression and has affected my life in so many different ways, not all positive, I believe it has definitely given me the most strength.

I had to learn how to make it through each day without a big piece of my heart. My Nannie and I were so close that losing her was like losing a giant piece of myself. It is still, to this day, something I struggle with, but it has made me a stronger person. I went through the worst possible thing I could imagine to ever go through, and I came out of it (mostly) in one piece.

If I had the strength to do what I had to do that morning, at such a tender age, what can I NOT now, as an adult, face?

Late last night (or would that be early, early this morning? hmm..) I sat up with my mom and a friend of hers. He had a guitar and spent a few hours playing songs for us, some of which were original songs of his. And at around 12:45 a.m., he started free-styling which got the gears in my brain turning.

This poem was the result of that gear-turning. I think it really embodies the spirit of GAIA and I wanted to share it with you guys. I hope you like it! It's been a while since I've been inspired to write a poem and I'm really proud of how this one turned out.


One World
10 January 2009
1:07 A.M.

Talkin' 'bout language, life, and love
And all of the great things that come from above
Comin' together as one world of peace
This is the life I see in my dreams

There is no me and there is no you
We're all just one spirit,
A brotherhood of truth
Deep in my soul - I see it.

There is only one language that we speak
One spirit of loving unity
We come together and we seek
A deep-seated sense of tranquility

Think deeply and carve your words in stone
Think of our souls as one entity
Not one of us is ever alone
Our strong love builds our community

Always leave your mark
Eyes closed, imagine our world
In the burning embers, see a spark
Glistening like a pearl
One World.

Me and money have a love-hate relationship.

I struggle with keeping money in the bank because I tend to think about what I want "now" as opposed to what I'll need in the future. I'm trying to work through changing years of bad habits as far as spending is concerned, with the help of my mentor. Putting myself on a strict budget that at times gets hard to follow has NOT been easy, but I think I'm learning new money-management skills.

I hope to use these new skills this year to build up a good, solid savings account that will give me a nice cushion in case unexpected expenses come up that I have to attend to. So far, so good.

Today, I appreciate knowledge and wisdom. And the people who spend their time trying to impart knowledge and wisdom.

I have had the chance recently to learn about several new things thanks to a few new friends. Things I had been curious about before have now been made a lot clearer and my new friends have been very open and honest about discussing things with me and sharing their experiences with me.

I think that knowledge is oft under-appreciated. It is something we take for granted and I'm not sure why.

Close-mindedness.

I have such an open mind that I have a very hard time accepting other people's close-mindedness. I may not agree with everything everyone says, but that doesn't mean I'm going to declare that they are wrong or that they have no right to believe what they do and to express that belief. I hear so many people judge the actions, thoughts, beliefs, or words of others because they can't open their own mind a little bit more and I have a very difficult time accepting that.

We're not so different and just because someone does something that isn't necessarily something you would do, they are no less deserving of courtesy and consideration -- different doesn't equal wrong. Your way isn't the only way! and it bothers me when people seem to think it is.

"Tolerance is seeing with your heart, not merely your eyes."

Immediately present is the sense of pain -- I've got an aching head and an aching back. Secondly - the realization that I'm thankful I can feel it.. I woke up this morning and it is a very nice day, not nearly as cold as it has been.

I notice that the chill in my house, thanks to our heat being out, is not as pronounced as it has been over the last few days! Thank God for temperatures above 30 F!! Beyond that, the normal sounds of a functioning household - televisions, the shower running, cats careening down the hallways. And the sense of peace that comes along with knowing that I am not alone.

Cheers!

Something different everyday; it's never the same. I find peace now in the little things - a smile on someone's face, a bird soaring through the sky, the sweater I'm wearing that keeps the chill of the winter breeze at bay.... You can find the peace in anything, I believe.

With my "New Year's Resolution" to find and appreciate the peace in everyday, I notice it more and more. Today - I found peace with the completion of my upcoming speech for my Public Speaking Class. Tomorrow -- who knows where I'll find it.

Cheers,

Anda

Keeping my faith strong. Sometimes, it's hard to remember when times get tough that God is always there for me. In effort to find peace in my life every day, it is getting easier. I've learned to trust God, although it does get hard sometimes.